Relationship How To's
Featured Relationship How To Articles by Joe Taloe:
>> Relationship How To's: How to get her to like you...
There is so much that can be said about getting a girl whether it be for a relationship or just sex, that I might as well write a book... But I won't. Instead, I'll break up the topic into a few articles. In this first article, I'll present an overview of what makes for a successful 'pick-up'.
*Note: This article applies mostly to situations involving women you do not know, or at the most, know as an acquaintance. A situation where you are trying to get a girl to like you that you already know well is much more complicated, but I will cover it some time.
If you were hoping for an article describing how to get a specific girl to like you that currently does not like you, then I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm describing a more realistic situation. If you were hoping for this article to cover that, then you should read my other article "Relationship How To: Why you should NOT go for that girl". In a nutshell, you're wasting your time by pursuing the girl that has no interest in you.
Alright! Let's get to the topic.
So, you're at work (or school, or wherever it may be) and you see that one (or two) girls walk by every day, and every day you think to yourself how you would like to get her. We've all been there. First tip: Stop looking at just that one woman. The world has a great deal to offer, and you seal your eyes shut when you fixate on a select few people. What advice I have to offer will really only be applicable if you are not the type to fixate on a single woman; if you are the type to find many different women attractive. Answer this question "Do you see a new attractive woman at least once a week?" if you answered yes, then you should definitely read on. If you answered no, then you're likely way too picky, or fixating on a specific woman right now and my advice won't help you.
If you're reading on, then I'm guessing that you see attractive girls here and there, and you're receptive to my advice. Great! Here's the bad news...
I would love to be able to say that there is a sure-fire way to get someone to like you. Unfortunately, relationships aren't so simple. People all over the world are trying to figure out the formula, but with limited success. What I want to inform you of are those few things that we know for SURE that will affect your success rate with the opposite sex. These things are largely based on psychological research that I've read.
Let me begin with how you should look at the whole process of getting a girl. You should look at it as a process that has clearly defined steps. These steps are so basic that it's very hard to change their order.
I will break up the process of into the following steps:
1) Establishing contact
2) 1st impression: Visual a. Dress and grooming b. How you carry yourself
3) 2nd impression: Interpersonal a. How you carry yourself i. Relaxed look ii. How you talk 1. How you talk 2. What you talk about 3. Who and what is the focus of the conversation
4) Ending the contact a. Hope of future interaction
You can think of the above as a flow-chart. It explains the aspects of establishing a successful cross-gender relationship. The chart is fairly self-explanatory, but it's important to break it down into small steps. Why is breaking it down into small steps?
>> According to this chart, a relationship begins with eye contact.
That's pretty obvious, right? First you two have to notice each other. Well, a lot goes into this step. The way you see each other is vital. Then comes the approach, which is feared more than death itself by most men. The approach leads into an interpersonal interaction; also feared more than death itself. This is when you are talking. A great deal goes into this part as well. How you speak and what you say matters (though according to research, HOW you speak matters over 50% more than WHAT you say...
>>> Establishing first contact goes hand in hand with visual impression.
You may have heard how women are more interested in what the person is on the "inside" rather than what is on the outside. Throw that piece of pretend-knowledge right out the window because, while women may be more forgiving of bad looks than men, the way they form first impressions is exactly the same (it's only later that you have a chance to make up for your looks with your brains).
Research shows that regardless of how politically correct and fair we would like to be, our impression of a person is still strongly based on the first few seconds. People generally think that attractive, well-kempt individuals are smarter, healthier and more sociable. Keep in mind that, these are only the IMPRESSIONS that are left on people as a result of someone's looks. As a side note, these assumptions that we make are only 1/3 correct. In truth, looks only strongly predict someone's sociability. So, now that you know this, you are probably already aware of the first thing you must address: How you look.
However, how you look is only half of what goes into making a good first visual impression. The other important aspect is how you carry yourself. Imagine the hottest stud in a full suit. He looks like he could be a CEO. Now, imagine that same hot CEO hunched over, dragging his feet as he walks, an expression of tension, anxiety or fear on his face. Does he still look hot? Not really. Many people have the potential to be very attractive, but they don't realize that how they carry themselves is not letting them reach it.
>>> Dressing: I can't directly help you here because I don't know what you look like. Speak with various people that you know to find out what they think of your style, and whether there are things you could change in your grooming and clothing to make you more attractive to women.
How you carry yourself: Here's where I can help you. The way you carry yourself has to communicate confidence and strength. Here are some pointers.
-Don't "drag your feet". Walk with a spring in your step. Watch yourself in a mirror. Watch movies or videos of others that you think walk with confidence. Emulate them.
-Don't slouch. Slouching communicates a lack of energy, which is a weakness.
-Smile. Practice smiling at people as you make eye contact for the first time. It shows confidence and approachability. This is probably one of the most important things to practice.
-Try not to stutter or fumble over your own words. If this is a problem for you, then most likely your solution is to consciously slow down your speech. This takes practice, so don't get discouraged. It's normal for people to mumble when they're anxious. Slowing down your speech will help you overcome that.
-Watch others who appear confident, strong, and approachable. Try to emulate them.
Now, let me explain how these aspects play into a good first visual impression. Being well groomed and well dressed adds to your physical attractiveness (kind of obvious). Your physical attractiveness is further increased with a confident stance, walk and facial expression. Now here is the key to women: a smile. Yes sir, the ability to smile at any women who makes eye contact with you is a powerful tool. You can think of it as an ice breaker. So, regardless of where you are, you may come across a girl you like. If you have been well dressed and confident, all you have to do is wait for her to look at you, so that you can smile at her.
NOTE: If you're one of those guys who has trouble smiling at women because you get too nervous, then do I have the solution for you! This solution may bother some, but it works, and I've seen it work over and over again. Start going to Gogo bars (it's like a strip club except women are wearing bikinis).
There, women will smile at you all the time, which will make it easier for you to smile back. At first you'll be very uncomfortable there, but as you get used to it, you will also get used to smiling at the women first. Trust me, you'll soon find yourself smiling at random women on the streets automatically.
Now, the girl may smile back at you, or look away. If she looked away then she may be uninterested, or too shy. Dealing with shy girls is another story, so for now, if the girl doesn't smile back at you, assume she's not interested and move on to the next one.
So let's assume you have found that one girl that did smile back at you. Great! Here's the big wall that nearly every guy has to get over one day: Approaching her. It's always difficult, especially the first few times. But, the ideal situation is for you to immediately walk up to her right after she smiles. Make sure to APPEAR calm and confident.
>> Relationship How To's: Why you should NOT go for that girl
Many men find that one girl that is absolutely beautiful and waste days and weeks trying to get her... They fall into what is commonly referred to as unrequited love. This happens when a man (or a woman) fall in love with or crush on someone, but the other party is not interested.
The men and women that are most likely to fall into this misery-ridden state are those who tend to believe that there aren't that many potential partners out there for them. They tend not to agree with the statement that there are "plenty of fish in the sea." Some may believe that there is only one soul-mate out there for them, and that the target of their love is THE ONE, but they haven't realized it yet.
Let me quickly get to the point: if you are one of these people that go after the same girl, time after time, then you are hurting yourself more than you could ever benefit. I want everyone to understand that putting someone on the pedestal before they love you back is highly damaging.
You must accept a fact... That if a girl is not into you from the get go, the odds of her seeing you in another light in the future are VERY slim. Most likely, you would end up wasting your time, and eventually resenting her (maybe even hating). Why would you resent her eventually? Because one day you may wake up, and realize that all this time that you've put into her has yielded nothing. She still doesn't want you, and you'll feel as if SHE has wasted your time. Maybe you'll feel like she has led you on. Well, my friend, the truth is that you have led yourself on. You should have read the signs and let her go.
So, what is it that we must do to avoid this trap? Think of getting a girl as fishing with a net, or dynamite, if you prefer. You should be open to all kinds of girls. Don't fixate on any one of them until you see that she is also interested in you, in the exact same way.
Let go of that girl that you've been chasing after for 2 months... Stop wasting your time. Look at that girl that's right under your nose, but you've been too blinded to see her.
>> Relationship How To: Afraid to Talk to Others...But Want to be Social
The only thing stopping you from talking to others is yourself. All these walls that you see before you were built by you and your mind. Yes, there are differences between you and others. But, that just makes the conversation so much more interesting! You perceive your potential conversation partner as very different. You could exchange these differences in AMAZEMENT of how perception or ideology can be constructed so differently. Right there, you have over an hour of conversation, at least. But, as you converse with that person that you believe to be so different, you will realize how much you truly have in common with him or her. This will allow you to have a conversation the way you are comfortable having it-- on the grounds of familiarity (since your fear of talking to others is based on being "different", once you realize that you have things in common that you did not expect, you will have grounds to speak on common experiences).
You generally want to begin your conversation with a commonality. That makes your conversation partner, as well as you, more comfortable. Familiarity breeds comfort. This is a saying that's true for any human experience, it is so true that business men today apply it to maximize their incomes. An emotion of "amazement" between two speakers is just but one example of how commonality could be forged. In order for you to attain this emotion in you and your conversation partner, you will have to do two things. First, is to convince yourself that no matter how similar or different a person can be, commonalities and differences will always be found, and that commonality and a difference are both equally good. Therefore, you will always be happy to converse and get to know nearly anyone. People play a great deal of off how you react emotionally (which can be read by your body and tone). If you react positively, they will feel more open, comfortable, and happy. Second, is to initially have a regular conversation, but with a twist.
During your first conversation, you will ask questions about the person, and can expect a response that is similar to you, or unfamiliar to you. You can also expect questions returned at you, to which you will not know whether you are similar or different to the person until they expose their answers to that same question. As you exchange responses, take amazement in the similarity or difference between you two ("Wow we have so much in common" or "Wow, it's cool how it feels like we're from different worlds"). By the way, you don't necessarily have to express your amazement in this exact way (it kinda sounded corny to me, but that's the best I can do right now). It could be whatever way you think is most socially appropriate. Once you feel somewhat safe and similar to the person, you can begin disagreeing. Too much agreement in views is suspicious. We need a little bit of disagreement.
Continue this, and you will maintain a healthy conversation. A healthy conversation will lead to liking. Liking MAY lead to friendship.
- Joe Taloe is a Student of Psychology and Mental Health Counseling at Columbia U. See more of his articles or go to his website Website: Relationship How To - Evolutionary Psychology - Buddhist Meditation
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